He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
