Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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