I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
