I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The air was thick with penises
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
