He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
