Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
