turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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