I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
