I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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