I am full of burrito and curiosity
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
