My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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