I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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