Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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