i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
