saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize