3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
