i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
