I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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