We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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