I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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