I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
never play flip cup with pint glasses
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
