Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
