i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize