I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
