im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
