just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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