the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
