I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
