What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
