you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you had me at cake vodka
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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