Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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