Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
