I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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