a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
