dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
