my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
