Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
