she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
