I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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