Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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