you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
