I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
