I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
