I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
