just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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