What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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