I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
