apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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