sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
