You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
