my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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