I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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