I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
