When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
