TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
