I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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