Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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