This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
