Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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