Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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