"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Your penis caused this!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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