he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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