tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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